Country Humour
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to
a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A
young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad
home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went
into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into
town with Dad.."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes,
shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to
himself. "Is there anything I can do for you?" the
boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are,
if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a
message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really
wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother
Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have
to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If
it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for
the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't
know how much he gets for Howard."
William
A woman in a supermarket is following a
grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old
grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands
full with the child screaming for sweets in the
sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for
fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying
in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be
long . . . Easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad
calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more
minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there,
boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing
items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a
controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy,
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay
cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the
grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy
into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman,
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in
there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time,
you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and
disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying
things would be okay. William is very lucky to have
you as his grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm
William . .. . The little Bastard's' name is Kevin."
Puns
The roundest Knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too
much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan
island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her
still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra
class, because it was a weapon of maths disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll
still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was
cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a
tie.
A hole has been found in a nudist camp wall. The
police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the
hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here
;I'll go on a head."
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre stated,
"Keep off the Grass."
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was described as 'a small medium at large'.
The man who survived the mustard gas and pepper
spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In
feudalism it's your count that votes.
When the cannibals ate a missionary, they got a
real taste for religion.
Did you hear about the man who butchered
corn-flakes? He was a known cereal killer.